A Gentleman

So I learn from my daughter the other day that two younger boys she knew had been hitting her. I was picturing them giving her hooks and uppercuts, but she hold me it was with an open hand, on her stomach and arms - the kind of thing a three-year-old would do (the age of one of the boys). The adrenaline was already boiling in my stomach as I told her she should never, ever let anyone (male or female) do that, that if it happened again, she should come right home, and that I would talk to them. When I saw the boys again, I raised the issue; they got very still and quiet, and said they hadn't hit her. I said I never wanted it to happen again, and they said OK, and we parted as friends. (I actually really like both the boys in question and really like having them around.)

As I was talking with Kate and Will about it, I made the comment that you never, ever hit a woman. Why not, my son wanted to know. I didn't think about it at the time, but I actually didn't give him an answer: I just repeated that you never, ever hit a woman, or harm her, or ever make her feel unsafe or humiliated or uncomfortable. It seemed to register with him. If I had been able, I would have tried to say: Because it is so incredibly ugly. Period. As a four year old, my son might not yet understand that; but if an older boy can't understand it, then there is simply something wrong with him.

The rape, torture, humiliation, and degradation of women continues, on a terrifyingly massive scale, at home and around the world. There is a God-given energy in men, a knife-edge, which, if not channeled and formed in the right ways, can come out in awful ones. I will do my best to teach my son both that courtesy, respect and attention which both men and women deserve - and also that fierceness which is sometimes required, perhaps more often in what you say, when someone is about to be wronged.

Of course "chivalry" can be a cover for just more abuse. And it can be expressed in ways that portray women as weak, simpering, helpless creatures. Anyone who actually takes the trouble to listen to and learn how to relate to the women around them will quickly learn how silly this is. (With most of the women close to me, I frankly fear for any man who might cross a line with them.) The development and maintenance of an environment of deep safety, of consideration and respect, is something everyone contributes to. But I feel it is especially on my shoulders, as a husband and father, to foster that kind of environment in my home. Not only on my shoulders. But in a special way, that is my privilege and joy. May my son learn the same.