My favorite Deep Thoughts

For those of you asleep or still in diapers in the '90s, "Deep Thoughts" are a SNL joke where they'd put up inspirational thoughts in between sketches that would implode in their silliness. Consider:

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the wreckage, then, when somebody walks up, acting like they just woke up and going, "What was THAT?"

To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, and the dancers hit each other.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make somebody run out of the room with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not my idea of hospitality.

I bit into the nectarine, enjoying the crisp juiciness--but then I realized that it wasn't a nectarine but A HUMAN HEAD!

If a kid asks where rain comes from, it's cute to tell him God is crying. If he asks why God is crying, tell him, "Probably because of something you did."

Most people never think about how large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look remarkably similar to a deer.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if somebody tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on the sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me? Then it wouldn't seem so funny.